There are many different reasons why learning the language of shadow has been so useful for me, as a person and as a coach.
It’s like I’ve grown a set of antennae on my head that help me catch and translate more of the subtle signals that would otherwise be lost.
Here’s an example, to show you what I mean.
I recently recorded a video for my website, to tell people more about the shadow retreat in April. I start by saying, “I’ll try to be as pithy as possible.”
This in and of itself is pretty unremarkable. But then I caught myself thinking about something I wanted to share on LinkedIn and trying to work out how to make it as brief as possible.
My shadow antennae gave a little tremor at that moment, indicating that these ‘thoughts’ were actually holding energy from shadow…like messages pinging into my inbox from the unconscious.
There’s always a jolt of recognition accompanying shadow material; some sort of somatic start, a cringe of recognition, an internal squirm or an eurgh.
That’s what happened to me as I caught these two things together - something in me was squirming at the thought of taking up people’s time. At taking up space.
At being a nuisance.
And there’s the eurgh.
▶ Don’t make a nuisance of yourself.
▶ Stop going on.
▶ Nobody likes a show off.
The jolt took me back to the old familiar admonishments from childhood, that ensured I had locked any spotlight-seeking activities firmly in the shadow.
I had learned to equate my enthusiasm with attention-seeking and understood that neither was welcomed in my family system.
So I learned to hide it away, and instead keep it brief.
Don’t be a nuisance.
When met with compassion, shadow messages can begin a process of integration and settling, leading to growth and increased peace.
These insights also offer me an absolute goldmine of data with which to better understand myself as a coach.
In this instance, it sparked my curiosity around how not being a show off might limit me in the coaching relationship:
▶ Are there times I could speak up more and don’t?
▶ Is there value in my enthusiasm that I keep muted?
▶ Am I over playing my evocative presence and under-playing my provocative presence?
With my enthusiasm in the shadow I have learned to over-play my quality of attention and, potentially, something rich is lost.
Such a rich vein of reflection, from something so seemingly innocuous and fleeting
All thanks to my diligent shadow antennae!
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